My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize