He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
