Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
