everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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