I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
