Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
