apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
