How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize