I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
