You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
