you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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