I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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