Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
