how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
