I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
