He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
