i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
