i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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