I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Randomize
