Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
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