I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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