this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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