just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
