Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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