My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Randomize
