I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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