I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
