you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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