Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
