my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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