Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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