I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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