you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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