margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
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