and next time when you feel me up, do it right
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
