Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
