New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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