Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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