Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
