i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
