I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize