She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize