I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
