Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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