I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
