i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
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