oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Randomize
