trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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