he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
