FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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