A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Can you bring me the toilet please
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
