Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Randomize
