dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
