omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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