Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
