your parents love me but you hate me
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
